Diary in the Time of Coronavirus COVID-19: Fear (II)

Sebahate J. Shala

IT’S the thirteenth day of March. Fear. Fear from the unknown. Fear from the invisible enemy. They say there is a killer out there. It’s merciless. Non-discriminatory in terms of political, economic and social status, and in relation to age and geographic position. It can attack or kill anyone, be rich or poor, celebrity or random, politician, president, or king. Oh, that’s a consolation for me as a random, not poor, or maybe?!

Never have I ever feared this much in my life. Not even during the war in Kosovo. I, actually, had no fear then. Strangely! Unusually! As someone who witnessed war first-hand, this looks like a war. Only now the enemy is invisible. It can be anywhere. The virus, according to experts, spreads fast and is highly contagious. A lawyer in New York infected 23 persons in 10 days. Four family members died in a week in New Jersey. “It is surreal,” said to CNN Elizabeth Fusco who lost her mother, two brothers and a sister. The number of confirmed cases hits 500 in U.S. Painful. Scary.

New York will soon go shutdown. America, too. This could be my last week at work. Perhaps the last day. Nobody knows what is going to happen tomorrow? That’s the talk we’ve had with friends and colleagues in the last two weeks. Events are canceled, schools are closed, borders with Europe, now the epicenter of virus, too. Italy issued a lockdown to quarantine. Spain hits nearly 2,000 new cases. Iran records 1,365 in 24 hours. Kosovo confirms the first case. WHO declares the Covid-19 outbreak “pandemic.” The world is alarmed.

We are waiting for President to tell US next steps. In a moment, he addresses the nation. Stoned, our eyes are on TV. America goes in a state of national emergency. We go silent. My heart beats fast. Sadness.  

Precaution Measures, Mobilization, Action…

1st Week: The following week, Wednesday March 18, I’m locked. Home. Businesses, except supermarkets and pharmacies, are closed. The stay-home-order enforces on Saturday, 21st. Everybody is out for food. There is a shortage in Manhattanville. In Queens, I am told, shelves were emptied two weeks ago. Bronx the same. One man said he came from Times Square to buy food in 125 St., West Harlem. Gloves, masks, alcohol, hands sanitizer, Vitamin C and Tylenol out of stock. Oh, come on, am I living in the most powerful and the richest country in the world? How come United States was this unprepared? Unbelievable. Unjustifiable. Unfair. Disproportional Distribution. I Am Panicked.

Experts say U.S. is behind—at least two weeks—in taking precautionary measures, way behind in conducting tests. Hospitals are short of ventilators, masks, beds, and other essential stuff. New York, home to about 20 million people, and hotspot of coronavirus, has 23,000 beds only or 6.4 beds per 1,000 people. In a matter of days, U.S. surpasses 3,000. In the worst scenario, America, as Dr. Anthony Fauci predicts, may see between 1.5 to 2 millions infected people, between 150,000 and 200,000 deaths. Trump made a dramatic shift in his approach toward crisis. Too late!

2nd Week: Government order is not respected in my area. I hear and see pictures showing New York City almost empty. In West Harlem, life looks normal: people staying or hanging around for nothing, without masks, supermarkets full of folks, no social distancing in line. I find myself running away of people, jumping or walking onto the vehicles’ lane, fearing of being contracted. Almost hit a pole in the street one day. That is, New York, according to the U.S. Census Bureau, is the most crowded city in U.S. with 28,000 residents per square mile, San Francisco next with 17,000. Researchers say virus can stay on air before it jumps to humans, as well as in surface and plastics between 4 to 72 hours. My fear is rational.

Outdoors, I wear one pair of clothes: coat, hat, gloves and mask. Then, I remove them, put in a plastic bag, and shower. When coming back home, my body burns, is rash and itchy. Psychological war. Media effect. Is the threat actual or is caused by the media? Friends tell me they almost had panic attack when out. Others tend to underestimate the threat. They believe the virus is man-made. Perhaps is made in a China lab. They share a book predicting this. Or maybe, deep state is involved, as Trump believes. Of course, all of this comes from those who believe in conspiracy theories, those who live in the FOX News reality. I challenge them with arguments. VOX publishes a research debunking the conspiracies.         

My physical and psychological state has deteriorated due to a combination of many factors: staying home, worries about my family in Kosovo, coronavirus and political crisis there, government collapse, polarizations, social hatred and divisions, offenses against each-other expressed in social media. Definitely, not healthy. And, because I am exposed to the virus. Weakness. Depressive. Chills. Throat Pain.  

3rd Week: Outside, the situation is different from inside surrounded by the news. Now many people wear masks and supermarkets have reinforced precautionary measures. When I go to the park, though, I see a lot of people, running, walking, relaxing, playing with kids. Most of them without masks. Weaponized, I look weird with coat, masks, gloves and two hats. Everyone else seems normal. Are we living in the same realities? Either I am overestimating the threat or they are underestimating it? I’m following the government instructions, suggesting everyone wearing masks outside, since, as Dr. Fauci said, 20% of infected people show no symptoms at all, thus threatening others. Covid-19, experts say, is discriminatory in terms of behavior and manifestation, as well. So, I’m OK. People in the park aren’t. My fear is rational.

4th Week: I usually buy food in a week or 10 days. Now almost everyone is masked. Social distance OK: 2-3 people go inside the store, and as they go out, others go in. In NYC, this happened in the first week, I am told. In 125 St., on the second, as I have seen. I feel much better physically and mentally. I got my strength back. I stopped reading the news. No social media. I’m back to normalcy, eating, sleeping, working, exercising. As New York went from state of emergency to stay-home-order to lockdown to quarantine, I, too, went from fear and excessive emotions to distress, appetite loss and sleeplessness to weakness, boredom and depression.

New York Times says people will never be as they were before Covid-19. Dr. Fauci divides life as pre and post-Coronavirus, suggesting that it (life) will never be the same as pre-Coronavirus. I know that. I feel that. I agree: We will never be the same as we were before this, but one thing I know for sure that, we will come much stronger and much better people out of this.

Next: Diary in the Time of Coronavirus: Terrified, COVID is in the House (III)